CASE 2

A forty-six year old woman, Ms. B.H. who had been consulting me off and on with some acute complaints returned in September 1994 after a gap of many years, complaining of severe joint pains and asthma. I called her a couple of days later and re-took her case. I asked her to describe whatever she was feeling.

" Yoga helped me a lot, and I stopped eating rice. That is the reason I used to get sleep and no dreams. If you tell me something, I won't remember it two days later. I completely forgot having an appointment with you; my daughter rang to remind me about it. I left in a flash and got on the bus without thinking what would happen to my children as I was leaving them behind. My memory is too dull. The thoughts I get are not good; all negative, about bad things. If you tell me something I will pick out the negative things. If my husband invests in some shares and he asks me for my signature I tell him that these will not do well at all. He says that he should not be coming for my signature; I am a calamity. Plus I am scared of the dark. When in the dark, I get really scared; I feel two hands are coming from behind me to grab me. I do not go into a dark room; I send my children before me to switch on the lights. If I see any little reflection in the night I feel someone is coming to grab me, to kill me. If I am alone at home with my servant I feel, ` Now he is coming. Now he is coming to grab me. ' Wherever I am sitting I can only think of my death.

If I am sitting somewhere I feel that here this type of death is possible. I think sometimes that I will get plague and I will die. I think that someone will come and tell my husband that his wife is dead. While waiting for the bus, I thought I would die, and there being nothing in my purse, how would my family know I was dead ? I think then that they know my daughter and that they will call her and inform her. After that there are no thoughts. And especially because of this pain sometimes I see myself sick in bed, like a dumb person who cannot do anything and the whole family is sick of me. I had gone to secure a transfer for my daughter from a college outside Bombay to a college In Bombay. The man handling it told me that it won't be possible.

That night I dreamt that I killed both of the men in charge. I always see somebody doing something bad to me in my dreams, but if you were to actually see it I am doing something bad to them. If somebody is sitting next to me, I may be talking nicely to her but inside of me I am thinking that I am better than her. I feel, ` What was there in her ? I was just talking to her nicely and putting her up. ' These are the thoughts that are there in my mind; negative thoughts. I am different outside and different inside. I do not want to become like that, I want to be nice.

The thoughts are so bad. I can never think good things.

Sometimes, accidentally, I get a good thought and I say,` Oh, wow ! Today I had a good thought.' Everything I will think is negative; I do not know how to think positive. My daughter is in love with some boy and I was telling her that he will leave her, that he won't marry her, that all men are flirts. I can think only think negative. I cannot just think that my daughter is happy and is to be married. I can only think that he will leave her after they are married and she will return to us.

" Very often whatever I talk comes true. That is the reason I do a religious chant, and even while chanting, I am thinking something bad. I am really weird. On the outside, I look very saintly. I think that there must be no one as saintly as me. I give people religious lectures. Inside I don't believe in God myself. My Guru had said that you should not speak, because when you do you are showing off how dumb you are. So you should just practice and not speak. My husband says that I talk so much, and that when he tries to gesture to me not to I do not listen. Because when there are people around I get absorbed in talking and I think I am on top of the world. I want to show off.

I think that there is no one as clever as me in this world. Maybe I want to show off; I realise it. But when I am amongst people again I forget that my husband has said not to talk too much. I forget about everything that he has said to me. I think of other people as being mad, stupid, idiotic, ignorant, not knowing anything, while I am the only one who knows every thing.

" Do you want to ask me anything ? "

D: You are doing well.

P: " I think that I love my family the most. I love my children, but lose my temper with them when they are sick and hit them. When I was leaving my husband called me because he had some problem and I said, ` Your sons have given me work to do. Plus I have to answer the phone and I have to go to the doctor.

You, too, go to the doctor. Why are you calling me ? ' I don't co-operate with them and help them. When my daughter had a pull in her back, I said, ` Go to the doctor, why are you troubling me ? ' Of course if something would happen to her I would feel a pain, though I do not say it. But my attitude is different. People will not understand that I love my children.

My attitude is very wrong. I know I should be loving and caring. I shout when they are sick, instead of taking care of them, and say, ` Why are you all falling sick and doing this bad thing ? ' I don't know what kind of a love is this. Any small complaint I see as a major complaint. If my son has a headache, I think he has a brain tumour. I cannot think something small, like he has a headache and I should give him an aspirin. I make up my own story in my mind. My maid of twelve years was found to be anaemic and I told her immediately to go to her mother's house and do whatever she wanted there. Inside of me I do not mean it. I mean that she should just go to her mother's house. But the way I put it is very bad.

" I have never noticed it all these years. Now my children have pointed out that my attitude is not right. I talk as if I am lecturing or as if I am fighting. It is as if they do not do as I ask them to I will kill them ! " Has this got to do with my pains ? "

D: Yes.

P: " My menses have stopped completely since the last six months. " I sometimes pity my husband that he has put up with me. He is very cool. " Anything else ? "

D: What else ?

P: " I do not know. I should have brought my daughter; she would have told you all my bad points. Because lately my daughter has been making me realise. Earlier my husband would tell me, and we would end up fighting. My daughter observes me and then tells me later. And I do understand that what she is saying is right.

There is no such day that my husband and me sit and talk without fighting. We must fight. Ninety percent of the times I fight. I do not know what kind of a person God has made me.

" Outside I want to show I am the best person in the world. I will do the best for you and for everybody. But inside the egoism is different. If the woman next to me is wearing nice clothes I think she does not look nice, and were I wearing them I'd look better. I will tell her that she looks nice but my thoughts are that I would look better. I will praise nice jewelry, but my thoughts are that I wish I had it. And God has given me everything. I have a good husband, money and children. Why is my mind like that ? He has given me the best of everything, so why should I think this way that I should be the best person around ? I have everything. What is giving me all these bad thoughts ? I want to be good but what is the inner one doing ? Outside I do not speak. For my family I never think bad. I give them everything. This is limited. I do not have friends; I do not go out. Now I have two or three friends from my religious group. But about them I do not feel this way. For them I go out of the way. These thoughts, jealousy comes with people whom I barely know or know very little. For the people I love I will never think this way and will give them what they want.

" Previously I used to be very fond of jewelry. But now I am not. But if my religious group says that I should leave my husband I will never do it. I am very attached to him. I do not like the thought. I want to remain with my husband and family.

I cannot make them as happy as I want to. So, I feel, ` Why make myself miserable and harm myself ? Forget it. Let them go to hell ! ', and I think only of my own happiness rather than that of others.

" What else ? "

D: You continue.

P: " I do not know what to say. I feel my dreams are all bad, because my thinking is bad. If I think good the dream will be good. "

D: What are the dreams ?

P: " I told you of them. My daughter was refused admission in a college. I dreamt that I killed both the administrators. The other dream is that someone is forcing me to eat meat, but I am a vegetarian. My husband says that often. I dream of whoever does negative to me. I dreamt that I just went and killed both those people when they refused me admission. "

D: How ?

P: " I do not remember how. But it was in a very weird way; not in a smooth way. "

D: Do you remember any dreams from childhood ?

P: " I used to have this dream when I was young that I was the richest woman in the world, living in my own beautiful, big house and able to do whatever I wanted to. But if anyone gave me misery, I had people around me who could do what I wanted them to. I had asked my mother, who is being troubled by her daughters-in-law, to come and stay with me and I told her that she was the luckiest woman because she was my mother. That was a dream I used to get very often. People would come to me with their troubles. I was like an underworld Don, like the Godfather. I would give orders to finish off this or that person. I had an ample amount of money and would give money to people, there was no end. I was the happiest person in the world, nobody was as happy as me. I would not see any misery for myself. I would not see my death there. And people would all come to me with their problems. "

D: What kind of problems ?

P: " If anyone had problems related to money or to their in-laws I would take care of them. I remember the location by the sea, and I had a beautiful bungalow with a pool. "

D: And what was your feeling in the dream ?

P: " I was very happy to be helping so many people, so that I would wish it would come true. But now I don't want to be like this because I would then have a lot of enemies. That time I was young so I did not think that I could have enemies, but now I know. "

D: You know... ?

P: " When you become big you have a lot of enemies around you. I thought that I was the biggest person, so I must have enemies. I am very scared of pain, no one should harm me even a little. So now even if you ask me to dream this way I will not. "

D: Because... ?

P: " Because I must have so many enemies. Even if I had a lot of people to help me there would be a lot of enemies to harm me too. Also, I used to watch many movies when young. I was very fond of movies at that time. "

D: What kind of movies ?

P: " Any Hindi films, so many. You know how girls create a movie image. But I never thought of getting married. In the dream, I never got married or had children, because I did not want to have a weak point. You know how in the movies they find out a person's weak point; they say kidnap his children or his family. So I never had any weak points. I was the strongest person. I am afraid even at the thought of anyone harming anybody in my family or me. That thought makes me scared. I will not dream such dreams now. Maybe that time I was a child. I never thought of marrying. "

D: Why ?

P: " I do not know. I don't know where this marriage came from, and I had children. I am quite attached but I told you that the love is of a different kind." I get a lot of leucorrhoea; it stinks. I have to change my panties two or three times a day otherwise I start to get that odour myself. I hardly use perfume because that gives me asthma. I have to change two or three times a day. It is not normal; it is really too much.

" That bullying nature is still there in me. I want to show everyone that ` Yes! I am really big. I am better than you.' " Even now do you know why I am telling you all my problems openly ? I want to show you how honest I am. At the back of my mind there is that thing that you will think that I am honest. I want to be good next to you. Wherever I go I want to do something or talk so that they feel I am something. I want to show my presence, that I do exist, and I am a good person. "

D: What does ` good ' mean ?

P: " Good means good. That I am the best person. That I am better than anyone they have met till today. That I am better than all their friends. "

D: Why do you want that, that others should feel that way ?

P: " I don't know why I think that others should feel that I am good. If I get an answer for that I will become okay, no ?  Then I will know where is the fault. Even with God I cheat. "

D: How ?

P: " I do good because I am scared of God. I know if God wants to punish me, it will be a big punishment. I know that according to whatever lectures I have heard. I pray so that He should not punish me. The basic thought is that I am scared of someone harming me. The main thing in me is that I do nice things so that no person should harm me. If they do something bad I cannot take it. I used to have these thoughts of suicide before I became a devotee. Now I heard that Lord Krishna says that I will become a ghost. Now I am scared; I don't want to trouble other people the way the ghost is troubling me. He says that if you commit suicide when your body is not ready you will become a ghost. So I will never do that. I will take whatever pain is there. So, see I am cheating God, as well. Very often I am told to do some service for the Lord. But I do not do it. I know that I have harmed the person by not doing it. But to compromise for that I start to distribute the Gita and say to God,, ` I know I did not do that for you. But see I am doing this for you. So you, too, minimize the punishment for me somewhere. ' So, what is this ? I am cheating God as well. Because I am scared of him that is why I do good for him.

" It's not that I have the urge to be good. The minute I have given you the Gita and shown you the path and you have gone ahead of me, I will say, ` Hey, why did I show him ? Why should he go ahead of me ? He should be behind me. ' Why, I do not know. These are the thoughts. I have been told that maybe I was the one to show that person the road, but maybe in his previous life he was ahead of me. And so now also he will go ahead of me. Just because you were the one to show him the way does not mean that he should be behind me. They say to try and understand this. I try and understand this. But these silly thoughts they don't leave you; they are behind you like a devil.

It is as if there is a devil who is behind me preventing me the moment I try to do something good. It is like Eve was asked to eat the apple. There is person behind me all the time, and when I want to do something good he keeps telling me not to do it. I understand that it is not nice. I understand everything, but again that one...Then I just say,` Sorry Krishna. You can do everything. So, if you want you change me. As a human being I cannot do anything. I will take whatever path you take me on. I trying to my my best, but I cannot. So, you help me to do good. '

I have the urge to do good to people. That is the reason that I talk nicely to them. But then what comes up in my mind ? That is the devil. And Krishna says that He is within the devil as well.

So that means He is making me do all this. So, I tell him to make me a nice person; I want to become nice. That is the reason I have surrendered to Krishna. Maybe I have not surrendered one hundred percent. But in the Gita Krishna says that if He wants He can do anything. So, if He wants He should do it.

" I have gone to Him because I am scared. There is the fear of punishment, of pain. I have never faced severe pain to this day; I have not faced an attack or shock. I have never faced something happening to your closest ones, that is the shock one has in life. I know that now my cup is full and it might happen to me. So, that thought keeps troubling me, I don't know why. Now I am forty-six and till today I have never faced a severe accident in all my life, what they call severe, that you see and open up. But when I hear that someone else faces it it may be scaring me that it might happen to me tomorrow, and then what will happen. When I see other people with a problem, it scares me. There is fear. That is why I am scared to go in the dark. After talking to people, I am scared of having spoken the wrong thing, what will they have thought ? I always think negatively. I feel that they must have misinterpreted what I intended to say. This whole war goes on inside my mind; I do not tell anyone about it. There are two people within my brain, talking. One says, ` Yes ', the other says ` No '. Then one says, ` No ' , and the other says `Yes '. Nobody knows what I am. I think you are the first person who knows what I am, the person within me, myself. I have never told anybody. "

D: Who are these two people ?

P: " How do I know who they are ? But there is somebody talking constantly inside. Whether I am occupied or no I see those two people talking, constantly talking. Whenever I am cooking I can see these two people; one says to do one thing, the other says not to do it. Constantly I can see these two people talking within me. The thoughts are there. If I have spoken to someone over the phone I feel, ` They must have thought this way.' Then I feel, ` No, they must have thought that way .' Then again I feel that they must have thought something else. The bad person always overpowers. The good one is always covered up. The bad one is always ahead. "

D: What does the bad one say ?

P: " I'll give you an example. At my Yoga class the other day one woman was explaining to the Yoga teacher about Krishna. I felt that it should be put in another way and so I told her. She said that I knew better than her. Then I became egoistic. Later I felt that I should not become egoistic just because she said that I knew better. But then another part of me said that she does not know anything. She was explaining things wrongly to the teacher.

The bad one comes up and tries to push the good one down. I was trying to forget. At our religious discourses they tell us that we are all equal and should never think that we are better than anyone. I am trying to tell the other person that this is how to be. But then he says, ` No, no! You are really good. You are really genuine. Try and understand that you are better than the other person. ' All this time while I am doing Yoga ! I am listening to my instructor, who is really very good and she asks you to concentrate. And at the same time I can hear these two people talking as well. I am told to keep myself busy, and I am trying. But those thoughts will never stop no matter what happens. Now, after I have spoken to you, once again there will be a battle between those two, as to why I told the doctor this or that. This will go on till another thought comes. Till the other thought comes the first one will not move. If I am doing a religious chant the thoughts come. We have been told that if there are any thoughts when chanting we should try and avoid them, and think of Krishna. Once I realise that I have a thought I think of Krishna, but then again a new thought about something that happens in the day comes in. Again I try to remove it, but again another one comes. But you won't believe that after one hour of chanting everything is wiped out from my mind. I will not remember anything. "

D: What are your hobbies and interests ?

P: " I have no interest in anything, no hobby. Things please me for a short time. I go shopping and then feel,` What rubbish I have bought ! ' Pleasure is short lived. Recently I ordered some jewelry having seeing someone else's and it is in the process of being made. I called the jeweler and said that I do not want it anymore. "

D: What do you like in food and drink ?

P: " I like rice only; I love rice. I also like spinach. I like ice, very cold things, cold drinks. "

D: What do you like very much ?

P: " RICE & curds. The dietician had said to stop eating all this, and I told her that I would never go to her. I said that I was better off with my doctor; he does not tell me to stop eating all this. She said that she was telling me for my good, and I said that I would die like that only. " Rice & potatoes, I like. If you cut these two things out of my diet there is nothing left. You will not believe that I have been eating only rice since yesterday. You can call me at midnight and tell me to have rice, and I will have it. "

D: What weather do you like better ?

P: " Cold, obviously ! Who likes hot weather ? But I can't stand air conditioning. " She then went on to describe, very expressively a fog that she was in when she went to see her daughter in South India.

" I like greenery. I love to be with greenery. I can spend hours there. Trees. I like to go to cold places, not where there is a lot of heat. This afternoon I was to go out with my daughter, and I said, ` Let us go out '. And she said, ` What kind of a mad dog has bitten you that you want to venture out in this heat ? ' The heat I cannot bear. "

D: How are you with animals ?

P: " I hate them, I hate them. I don't like it. "

D: Why ?

P: " I am scared that a dog will bite me. I don't like animals. Though I know dogs are sweet and I like to keep them, but I get scared that they will bite. " I like parrots that talk and repeat what you say. But liking and looking after them are two different things. Which are you asking me ? If you ask me to look after a dog I will say, `Get lost! ' I love parrots, but if you ask me look after and feed and clean his cage and his shit, I will say, ` No way! Get lost! ' I like them but I don't want to take care of them. When I was young I used to like horse riding.

" I love to talk . I am a very bad listener. Like how you have been listening to me quietly, I can never do that. We are told to be listeners at our religious discourses, but I love to talk. I talk no end. If I am talking something nice and we have to reach somewhere, my daughter will be saying, ` Mother, we are getting late. Let us go. ' I say, ` Let it go ! We will see about that tomorrow. It is such a nice topic ! ' Basically I like to sit and talk because the other person is listening to me. I am not sure that wherever it is we have to go, another person will listen to me in this manner. "

D: How was your nature as a child ?

P: " Very lonely . I would always tell my mother, ` Why didn't you have another daughter to whom I can talk ? ' My other cousins had the moral support of others; they had sisters. But I was alone. They used to tease me, and I used to get very bugged. So I used to feel why I did not have a sister for moral support.

My brothers were much older. I used to feel, basically, very lonely. I had no one to talk to. If I talked they made fun of me. They would be two or three; I had no one. " I did stop rice when the dietician asked me to, but I used to curse her from inside.

" I hope you don't feel that I am mad. "

She doesn't want her family to worry about her and wants to be ` on her own feet '. She also said she was angry when the interview was interrupted by phone calls. " I want your attention fully on me, and I do not want to share the attention. I don't want to share those I like with others. The reason I tell my daughter that her boyfriend will leave her is because the thought scares me that she will leave me. So I feel that I can dissuade her from marrying him, and she will always be with me. I know that that is wrong, but I feel that way. "

During the interview, she was constantly switching languages, from Hindi to English, and then back to Hindi, and so forth.

Click Here to read Analysis of Dr. Rajan's Case 2.